A FUNNY (AND WRONG) PARODY OF WESKER'S REPORT
by LanceChristophr
Summary: REALLY FUNNY, PLEASE R & R


****

WESKER'S REPORT 

My name is Albert Wesker, but my friends call me Ru Paul. I worked as a janitor under the Umbrella Corporation, and then was promoted to a bio-chemist and had been hoping to become a top scientist, but I changed my goal ever since I met Dr. William Birkin in the lab in Raccoon City. He was a much better bio-chemist than I am. 

I was transferred into the special police force 'STARS' in Raccoon City. Umbrella had sent a number of spies into the police force in Raccoon City for safety precautions. Using my role as the leader of STARS, I had conducted many kinds of secret missions for Umbrella. 

Eventually, I had thought up of a plan and had been waiting for the right time to do it. The time had finally arrived... 

****

July 24, 1998 

There had been bizarre murders around the forest of a certain mansion, victims were apparently fucked up the ass three times, had to give forced blowjobs, and the unlucky ones had to be eaten alive. This mansion was where Umbrella had been conducting biological experiments. The cause of the murders were credited to the T-Virus. 

Umbrella attempted to hide the case without having STARS move in to investigate, but because of the uprising concern from the people in Raccoon City, we were forced to move in. 

Umbrella then gave me a new mission: " Lure all STARS members into the mansion and use them as test subjects in combat situations against the bio-weapons." 

Out of the two STARS teams, Alpha and Bravo, I sent the Bravo team in first. They had fought against the B.O.W. All but two were killed in action. They were very useful in obtaining information on the combat skills of the B.O.W, and there bodies will be used as great target practice for me and the boys down at the pub *wink wink*. 

I then sent the remaining STARS members, Alpha Team, in. Out of the former 11 STARS team members, only Chris Redfield, Jill Valentine, Barry Burton, Rebecca Chambers and Enrico Marini had survived. 

The time to carry out my plans had come. In the midst of this turmoil, I will steal the ultimate B.O.W., the Tyrant, and play with him, and then I shall sell its information to the rival company of Umbrella. 

The five survivors have very impressive combat skills and would prove to be a good way to test what the Tyrant had to offer. For this plan to work out, I sent a spy into the team. This spy was Barry. He has a strong sense of justice and cares for his family above anything. 

It's exceptionally easy to manipulate these type of people. 

Chris and Jill had proved that they possessed much greater combat skills than I expected, but thanks to Barry my plan progressed without failure, and I was sure to make his dreams worth wild. *wink wink* 

Unfortunatlly, Enrico had overheard me talking to Barry; Because of this, I must dispose of him. 

Now all that was left was to wait in front of the Tyrant room for Barry to bring the test subjects. 

I had injected myself with a special virus that I received from Birkin. The virus would put my body in a state of temporary-- death, and then reanimate him with great power. It would be easier to sell myself to the opposing company if Umbrella thought I was dead. 

I released the Tyrant and let it attack me. After the Tyrant attacked me, my mind slowly faded away and I had thought my plan worked out perfectly. 

I didn't expect that the Tyrant would be defeated under the hands of the remaining STARS. I had lost my precious gift and partner and had lost my humanity. I will kill anyone who intervenes with my plan. I must find and destroy the remaining STARS.

****

SEPTEMBER 

Two months had passed since the mansion incident. 

To restore my status in the new company I work for, I had 

joined together with a spy named Ada Wong sent into Umbrella. 

According to her, Umbrella was in the midst of creating a new 

virus called the G-Virus and that the creator didn't want to 

give this up to Umbrella. I knew instantly the person she 

spoke of was Dr. William Birkin for two weeks before he didn't give himself to me. 

Birkin doesn't know how evil Umbrella is. At this rate, Dr. 

Birkin will be killed and Umbrella will get their hands on the 

G-virus. 

Before I could make a plan, a team led by Hunk had already 

moved in to intercept the G-virus. Birkin then injected 

himself with the virus and mutated into a monster the 

proceeded to wipe out the team. 

Soon after that, the T-virus had started to spread in Raccoon 

city by mice. 

****

September 28 

Raccoon City had turned into a city of zombies. In front of 

these zombies, a human is helpless. Despite the harsh circumstances, Umbrella of Europe had sent in a new type of B.O.W. called 'Nemesis'. They had used Jill, a remaining STARS member, as the target. I, too, must move in to retrieve sexual intercors-- I mean combat data of this 'Nemesis'. 

****

September 29 

Umbrella became desperate to destroy all evidence and sent in 

their own Tyrant. They had planned on killing Leon S. Kennedy 

and Claire Redfield. 

I had found out Dr. Birkin had always kept his works inside 

the pendant that his daughter Sherry has. I sent in Ada Wong 

to recover it. Because I am thought dead, I must move in the shadows.

A spy must not be moved by emotions and must finish his 

mission at all costs. Because Ada had been with Leon, 

worthless emotions had become alive within her, and they screwed for several hours. I have a bad 

feeling about this. I must hurry before he impregnates her, and she'll think the baby is his, and not _ours_. 

My worries had become a reality. Ms. Wong had let her 

emotions take over her. Even though Leon had a sample of the 

G-virus, she did not obtain it and had hoped for her own 

death. But I still have use for her. She still has many things 

she must do for me *wink wink*. For now, I will save her life... 

We tried to obtain the other sample of the G-virus, but the 

only survivor of the team, Hunk, had obtained it before us. 

****

September 30 

I have no other choice but to take samples of the mutated Birkin back as 

a sample. I will also put him against Leon and Claire in order 

to obtain his combat abilities. Birkin lost to Leon and 

Claire, and we were able to obtain a sample of the G-virus. 

****

October 1 

To stop further spread of the virus, the U.S. has bombed 

Raccoon City, along with that wonderful Gay club down on main street =`(.

After that, Claire had gone to Europe to find her brother, 

Chris. Leon had joined an anti-Umbrella and Gays group (damn him, damn him to hell), and Sherry is safe in our hands. 

Most likely, Dr. Birkin has something hidden in this girl... and I intend to find _it_ before _it _impregnates her first!


End file.
